Random thoughts

In the name of Allah The most compassionate The Merciful

I have to say, that being a Muslim is not an easy feast yet it is worth the hardship if what you seek is not this dunya (world). Muslim in this sense is that being someone who believe in Allah in totality, follow His admonishments from the Quran and conducting yourself according to the Sunnah of the prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). In addition, you also have to believe in the hereafter, in His angels, and ultimately in His mighty wills that He has ordained on each individual. Yet in the real life, it is hard to incorporate all these aspects into our daily ways of living. Mainly because we all are blinded by this worldly things. Media outlets aren't helping much either. Most of the shows and ads revolving around us are portraying what is desirable in this life: wealth, fame, girls, expensive stuff, luxurious housing, posh restaurants, exotic holidays, etc. In this globalized era, everything is expected to be upgraded into internationally accepted standard. People are judge solely by their appearances not by their substance. Money is being worshiped and feared. Rich thugs could earn a respect and adoration hence regarding them as part of the circle of the high echelon of the society based on suferficial things and hypocrisy.
I used to be part of this judgmental society. I was so proud to be someone with a blend of eastern modesty and culture yet at the same time I was equally proud to be exposed to the western value and way of thinking which used to be associated with liberty and democracy. I used to frown upon sisters in Islam on their decision to put on headcover. My thinking was that they were way too young and they're actually slimming their opportunity into attaining happiness in this harsh "real world" in another word I was unconsciously thinking that they were oppressed. Another reason was also because I used to see sisters wearing hijab but hardly perform their duties as Muslimahs: hardly pray, gosipping, fondling and kissing in the public with their boyfriends. These faulty conduct of the Muslimahs was actually got into my nerve that I have sworn to never wear headcover unless I've become an old lady and wise enough to wear them. But my wisdom proven to be wrong. Alhamdulillah through the guidance of Allah the Almighty I realized about the truth. He made me to stumble upon The Deen Show on youtube on the Muslim converts on how happy and relieved they are after reverting back to Islam. On why Islam is the way of life. It suddenly occurred to me that why these former unbelievers could be so deep in their love, trust, and devotion to Allah while me as a born Muslim, schooled in the surrounding Islamic teaching could actually deviate from the truth in many ways. Long story short, Allah shows His will by permitting me a chance to read the translation of the Holy Quran and through exposure of the piety and righteous people that I finally accept His revelation.
Alhamdulillah, right now I am in a much better state of peace and tranquility. Although occasional relapse did and does occur in many instances. For example, I haven't wear hijab yet because of professional reason. I am an unemployed immigrant with no prior English educational background. I have a mom I am obliged to help. I'm so badly wanting to wear hijab but my current circumstances not allowing me too. I also suffered from an inferiority complex when my cousins who are basically real citizens of this country do well and I tend to compare myself with them in term of everything. Bad thoughts did occur to me too that all the misfortunes that befall on me may be caused by Allah forsaking me. Astaughfirullah. Essentially, my faith still need a lot more tweaking for it does falter occasionally. But My Rabb, I seek refuge in you against anything that could lead me away from your guidance.